I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
