theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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