this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
