Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
