my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
