Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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