he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
