I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
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But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
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Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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