first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
