I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
