I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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