I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
