I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
