Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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