i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
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