he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
