so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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