Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
