I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
