You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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