Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize