the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
