My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
