No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
