I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My ATM looks so different sober.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
