How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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