I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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