Someone shit on the floor
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
