i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bring me that man meat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
