and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
