I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
