I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize