Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
