He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
