i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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