I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
