I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
