True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
