i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just found a bag of teeth...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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