The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
