i think my mom watched the whole time
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
