The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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