I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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