You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
