just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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