Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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