im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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