Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
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Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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