If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
