I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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