did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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