I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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