Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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