Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
