did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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