Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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