Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
