Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
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