Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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