I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
